The one lesson I learned after two non- happy ever after marriages
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. ~Buddha
I will be honest with my humanity. I survived two roller coaster marriages and came out of the ups and downs with beautiful heart scars in the process. As a hopeful romantic, I fell in love with the happy ever after story and made marriage vows to two emotionally unavailable men.
Yes, I may have been naive in my pursuit of happiness and learned big time how heartbreak feels like. In those years, I experienced broken promises, betrayal, deception, chaos, and lots of confusion. In the recovery process, I remember saying to a friend that falling in love felt like a curse to me! Why I keep choosing the wrong guys that hurt me and don’t make me happy?!
After deep and arduous soul searching, I realized that I had deep-rooted programming that I learned early in my girly childhood around love and romance. It’s going to sound super corny, but the illusion of a knight in shining armor saving me from family chaos, finding the one, planning two romantic weddings, dreamy honeymoons, the fantasy of a happy life with your soulmate and growing old with the love of your life felt like the recipe for happiness. The End… Oh my, how far from the truth I was!
But not all real-life love stories end with happy endings. According to available Census data, the divorce rate for second marriages in the United States is over 60% compared to around 50% for first marriages. Mind-Blowing facts, don’t you think? It is clear that I am not the only one going through this… I wonder if there is a disconnect between fantasy (unrealistic expectations in relationships) and reality?
You see, after my latest heartbreak, I started blaming my ex-husband for all the things he made me go through. When the anger phase of the grieving process has passed, I decided to be brutally honest with myself, my own shortcomings as a responsible adult, and began to look at my own behavioral patterns in those two marriages with the intention of understanding myself. My biggest question was “why do I keep repeating the same suffering and heartbreak?” and I discovered a major revelation around romance, love, marriage, and happiness.
I realized that I had been searching and chasing love, appreciation, and happiness in the wrong places! Why? I was looking for someone else to make me happy and to meet my big expectations of what a happy ever after marriage looked like. It is a big burden for someone else to carry, and a recipe for ongoing disappointment and unhappiness.
At the end of the day, my two ex-husbands' behaviors were not aligned with my values of loyalty and integrity, and that is on them. I choose to own my missteps and take responsibility for my happiness. Reality is raw... You cannot control your partner’s love, loyalty, commitment, and behavior. You only have control of yourself, your life, and how do you want to live it.
The one life lesson I learned after two non-happy ever after marriages was the awareness that I am the only one responsible for my happiness. I am THE ONE! It starts with loving myself FIRST, commitment to creating and sustaining a life that is filled with joy, listen to my intuition and nurture the only relationship I will have until I die which is the relationship with myself.
Falling in love is a risky business. But if you fall in love with yourself first, the relationship that comes afterwards will not be your “other half”. It will not be rooted in fantasy, big expectations, scarcity, or neediness to make you feel complete. You are already whole, and complete, sister! It is incredibly liberating to acknowledge your worth and the power you hold in your one and only life. My next partner will be responsible for his own happiness, feel worthy, and will align with my core values. We will simply share a life together.
When I look back at my love life, I feel so much gratitude for those heartbreaking experiences. Why? You see, I learned that you have the power to choose if you want to learn from your experiences OR distract, or numb yourself to not feel. On my first marriage, I didn’t get it, and I repeated the same pattern. This time around, I decided to face my fears, feel my feelings, and dive deep into my core being. Afterwards, I discovered big breakdowns and beautiful breakthroughs! Sometimes in life, you have to see the dark to be able to see the breathtaking light on the other side of pain.
I am a hopeful romantic and still believe in true love, but for this adult woman true love lives within myself. You see life gives you the experiences you genuinely need to become the best version of yourself. As a result, I have two beautiful heart scars and a finger tattoo that serves as a lifelong reminder of loving myself first. My hope is to inspire you and provoke self-reflection in your relationships with others but above everybody else the relationship with yourself.